What we have here is a dilemma

Well there's even more to this than I thought. In the discussion accompanying Lesley's post, the threat of a fat body becomes looming spectre haunting beauteous slimz.  Pressing their conscience into giving up tha pity sex. We are this way due to being denied sex on account of our looks. Forever yearning for undeserved shags, craving the beauty that so rejects us.

Obeasty is modern mythology.

This seems to be personifying the unspoken distress of all the people out there having sex with those they no longer desire that way.

It's touched in the talk about faking orgasms. It cross ones mind. Often it's volunteered apropos of very little from some men as "We don't want to be forced to find fat people attractive."

The extent of this distress and the determined characterization of fat people as angling for pity sex- something many feel is burdensome to resist-speaks to a need to express upset, without facing implications.

So much for fatness being caused by people using food to block or blunt emotion. If that's the case, it's unnecessary effort. Good news for "binge eaters" and "food addicts". You don't have to "eat your emotions" anymore, just hide from them like everyone else! I wonder if I can patent that as a cure? I'm guessing at no.

The easy prevalence of this theme displays the underlying rules of sexual exchange, or "rape culture" as it's evasively termed. If any who are seen as radical try to take this on, they're labelled fanatics or feminazi's, such is the extent of reluctance.

Despite the above, I still couldn't believe people were framing this was men v women. That was stink bomb distraction of sex-positive-prude Rowan Pelling ed. of "The Decadent Handbook: for the modern libertine". Hiding her own attitudes behind those associated solely with men. 

When for many fat people, men have been the ones who let them know they were desirable. In some cases women taught them they weren't. The amount of fat people who've been used and abused by that belief. Degrading self worth can be the quickest route to being fodder for those on the look out for damage they can turn to their advantage.

It wouldn't have made any difference if the positions were swapped (I know). If it was a wife speaking of her husband. The issue is a person being turned into an adjunct of someone's, everyone's ideology. You know what feminists famously complain about.

Being defined solely in terms of other people's feelings, an object dancing to their tune. Without reference to their experience of themselves. Only concerned with how they must obey their honourable overlord/ess. Even expected to respond to questioning on why they want none of this. How can this feel like self ownership? Which if I'm right is a primary underpinning of agency. 

Exactly why is a partner suddenly turning into an obesity crusade drone supposed to be such a turn on for the fat person? You have both become mere servants of that. The one  who loves you and who you love suddenly is distanced from you because this is now more real to them than all that you've shared.

Who is this person? And who is it they wish to connect with anyway? You or their idea of you? I'm actually not saying that anyone shouldn't feel free to tell me they find my body off putting. I'm saying that changes my view of them too. Something crusaders don't get because this couldn't be articulated before. It was all pressed down, disassociation and added to the general sense of malaise many fat people feel.

Fat phobes need to realise their eyes of god pose is dead. There person involved, who is learning to value themselves more than the value accorded them by society. The one you're so lovingly trying to work. Like someone in a mixed relationship explaining that according to white supremacy, you aren't shit.

Sorry, love! I'm "hardwired" to use every advantage for my own person gain. Isn't that kind of red in tooth and claw sexy for you?

The pointed reference to the way thin privilege is seen as having shut down reasonable debate is worth a mention. i.e. "Isn't there one place left where we can tell the truth?"

Don't think I'm judging slimz. Fat people are apparently the last place for the "truth" and look at all it's brought; huge scientific advance, greater humanism, penetrating sociology and a widespread increase in the depth of understanding about human biology, amirite?  

Are fat women really supposed to say, boo when slim women autonomy is held to be porous? But tally ho if it's their own? Because we sort of aren't women? That was about the last straw for me and feminists not something as (relatively) trivial as fat phobia.

Whatever fails, I at least expect them to manage to be in favour of the liberation of women. Sometimes it's not women who reject feminists, but they who withdraw from women. If fatness means feminism doesn't work, then acknowledge it and modify theory accordingly. That's how feminism, happens.

Nor is fatness like personal hygiene, grooming, having a certain kind of haircut, freely scratching your pubes. Each one of those behaviours is the direct cause and cure of themselves. So, if you stop washing yourself- you are unwashed. Washing yourself, causes you to be washed, I can't make it much simpler. 

The equivalent in terms of fatness would the capacity to direct fat or not fat. Instead, in order to cease fatting, you're required to reduce your intake of food and increase expenditure of energy, both are indirect actions, that are supposed to lead to lowered and indefinitely maintained weight.

A habit of dressing in formal attire does not battle your inbuilt instinct for survival, both of those do. One directly, the other less so.

As for the 'self care'/health angle;

Since your spouse protests she 'likes being curvy', I would concentrate on the health issues at stake. 

 Subtle.

Why don't you tell her you feel exercise and a better diet would keep her longer on this planet by your side? Lead the way by taking her for runs or to the gym and by ordering healthier groceries and cutting down on booze.

Like a little doggy? 

Sex is also good for you. Not sexing could therefore be framed as 'self harm' not taking care of yourself. Is that convincing or indeed, edifying? Perhaps she could "lead the way" by starting off on her own and encouraging him to join in if he feels up to it. And if he doesn't hey, some women don't get vaginal orgasms anyhow.

Hey, is that the solution? Masturbation!!! Independently or parallel. I'm surprised Mz Kinky Boots didn't suggest such herself.

I'm such a reliever of agony.

You won't be under the bus if you're still driving it

I agree with the underlying sentiment of this we can restore our self possession without using slim women's bodies. 

Though I no longer say this with any real enthusiasm. There was a time when I would have reacted against attacks on slim women's bodies with a sense of heartfelt fellow feeling.

The solution is to shake each other excitedly, all the time, and yell, as loud as you can, “You guys, aren’t bodies the coolest?!”

Sounds like a familiar feeling.

I thought..........we would go on the journey together, egging each other on.

I'm not sure exactly where the first break came from, perhaps the demand for a rename, "fat" is "alienating", which was kind of the point. Or the assumption on our part that slim women affected just as devastatingly by the hate invested in the word "fat" would revel in the chance to be free of it. 

Instead they want approval for their "fat talk" and "feeling fat."

Telling us how feminine it is to attack your body, that's what women do, anything else is FAKE! Meaning fat acceptance is of course. That knocked me off my perch. If it is fake then how do you get over the culture of tearing yourself down?

Then there was the attitude that we were most definitely not equals, no one likes you, which was a bit diverting given that slim privilege is a laughably pisspoor and hardly worth defending, the ceaseless demands for reassurance that we weren't trying to do to them what they'd already participated in doing to us.

Yeah, fat people have to reassure slimz that self restoration isn't a hostile act against them. No amount does or can or will. I could go on, but I'm already bored myself.

There are always fat people who are going to behave like this. Why are fat people expected to be any better than they?

By now, I can't tell whether my frustration is as much about trying to avoid yet another snooze-fest of whining about "real women" farrago.

Though there is amusement to be had at the over-earnest fighting for inclusion for this misappropriated term "Real Women."

I am not a real woman. Woman is realness inclusive enough for me thanks, as in: "Feminism the radical notion that women are human beings." You dig? I know other women are real too, without needing to be told this by Hanne Blank or anyone else.

It is undoubtedly wrong to abuse slimmer women's bodies. Just don't do it. I would appreciate some acknowledgement of the extent to which slim women often don't have a problem seeing themselves as the standard and defend it as if it's their birthright. 

Patronizingly lecturing fatter people that their act won't do any good in the long run is not just laughably hypocritical, it is something so many slimz obviously don't believe themselves. So why they expect some fatter people to behave any better than they I don't know.

This capacity to only see your own sin in the "sin eaters" is hardly endearing. As is usual, people seem to keep expecting FALSE superiority to pay out more than it ever does (because it is false natch).

At the base of narrow body standards is not so much fat phobia as those setting them, probably the thin/slim upper middle class/middle types who seem to populate 'obesity research' and the like, have no perspective other than their own.

They are surrounded by people just like them. They are in a state of uncritical assertion of their own spoiled behaviour and rarely encounter the kind of interruption to this, that allowed them to mug us with their BS standard in the first place.

Everyone starts out assuming they are the standard by which all should be measured.

Remember when you were a little kid and you went to nursery/primary school and first realized other kids were weird. Their families weren't just like yours. Yes! Your family's rules, laws, mores, habits, traditions were not the way things must be.

We have to learn not to do similar with bodies as well. Not to use them as the rule to measure others.

To understand the different associations applied to various body sizes means sensitivities vary. I still remember in the primary school playground, hearing a thin girl protest about how she kept being patronized as barely there. It made her feel insubstantial, lesser somehow and that really angered her.

She was strong, felt healthy and capable-as indeed was my impression of her.

I was taken aback. I'd assumed she wouldn't have any real issues with her body as she was the ideal. I've never forgotten that and made an effort to listen more carefully. To this day, I explain to those fat people who keep this habit. That they are really doing the same underlying thing we all do, using their body as a yardstick to measure others. 

To come across this in fat people doing the same as slim people, is hardly "hypocritical" it means, not every fat person is particularly thoughtful about consequences. Notably, the person who provoked the OP was formerly thin.

The many of us in fat acceptance who've never had any truck with this sort of thing feel that way, because we engage our minds critically and empathetically on the subject. We've thought it through a bit.

That is neither a product of being fat or being involved in fat acceptance, in itself. It would be nice if that wasn't taken for granted.

Of course you are going to fat people who think the same way as so many slimz still do. What would be impressive would be if it ever dawned that this is what fat people still find it difficult to escape.

Frankly, until they found the real woman thing, I was beginning to think slim people didn't get the point about an enforcement of a standard being self defeating. Well seriously, does it look like they do?

It was a little dispiriting knowing they knew it all along, but just allowed things to progress. Now we are being told that it doesn't do any good, as if we couldn't tell from the constant venting of insecurities.

That is actually a female trope now, We are women we are insecure.  I think we could see this collusion in fat hate didn't do much good. It's whether they see the end of that as more of a loss than a gain, for them.