Sunday, 30 May 2010

Letting go...

Ah,(re-)learning how to let go's a funny old thing, especially when you didn't quite realise you were holding on so tight and why.

I'm just having to remind myself that things are the way they are and it not necessarily about what makes the most sense, but what means the most to those in the circles that matter, with the voices that count.

Suffice to say, those outside are bystanders and spectators and once you find a way to live with this fact, in the best way for you, you can let go. I'm destined to be one of those and I can't in all honesty rule out the possibility that some part of me is engineering this way, even though I swear I meant it to go differently as far as I'm consciously aware.

Maybe I've just been fighting a losing battle against myself, who's to say either way? Anyhow, enough is enough, consider me retired from trying add my voice to the general discourse, or get involved or whatever was the (vague) plan. I'm just going to endeavour to express myself and leave it at that.

That's what I'm doing, because otherwise I just turn myself into an angry machine and that's something I've never wanted and am tired of having become, it does't suit me at all to feel this way. I have to be satisfied that I've done the best I could do. I am slowly learning to recover the distance I lost when I made the rather ill conceived decision to "get involved", I actually feel a little queasy typing those words.

It is not up to me, it's up to someone else and that's all there is to it.

Expect me to care a whole lot less from now on.

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