Difficulties with the idea of choosing fatness

As long as I can go back-in being mindful of fatness-I've always found the idea that I've chosen to be fat, to be pretty intolerable. I don't object on the grounds that fatness is a boo boo, just that I feel it misrepresents and denies my strenuous and real efforts not to be fat

I felt that this was not a choice to the extent that many of the things I'd say objectively, were far harder to accept any collusion in. I found easier to feel that I had more of a say in.

My continuous rationale was, I did not choose to be fat because I fought it like fury all the way.

This is true, on the face of it? It's true as far as my conscious motivation goes. But what about my subconscious intent?The other parts of my mind that often speak more directly to a more primal truth, represented by the realm of the emotions.

It hasn't seemed the time or place to explore this, in FA, given the priorities of mainstream FA. Reading soto post quoting Kathleen LeBesco has reminded me that the whys, wherefores or anywheres of being fat, as they are, don't always fully satisfy.

It might feel fairer to say-although I can't say I fancy it any more-that consciously, I didn't want to be fat. But I cannot assert the same about subconsciously with the same gravitas. I cannot speak for the realm of the emotions and whether that part of me was acting of its own volition to get fat. If so, what does that mean for how I express fatness as a choice, or not?