Thursday, 20 August 2009

Choosing to be fat, 2

Choosing to be is not the same as being responsible for being fat, I can accept that my actions made me fat or fatter by raising my appetite. That I didn't listen to my body, I treated it with outright contempt and rode roughshod over the feedback it was giving me, although I didn't see it that way at the time.

I saw it as trying to overcome the weak spirit and lack of willpower that was the cause of my lack of control and excess appetite and hunger.

I choose to collude with the pretence that being slim meant you knew exactly why you were slim and created your own slimness, even though I knew many people who didn't and told me so.

I choose to beat myself up to a self harming degree and would not relent even though I had notions early on that this couldn't be right, I suppressed them and carried on with the form and pose of weight watcher, sorry, healthy lifestyler.

I knew at some point that this was putting further pressure on my hunger and appetite by invoking the comfort eating response, I remember working that out.

I am comfort eating a lot, this means I'm seeking comfort (a lot), don't others who don't have ups and downs?

Oh wait, I know, my state of discomfort is a permanent background, in which the little ups and downs of everyday life are able to unbalance me more, this triggers that mechanism to come into effect more often and more strongly. On a daily basis in fact. It's managing that background state, enabling it to be, it is therefore, technically, untenable.

I think my view of depression helped with this. Still, I carried on, I had this single minded focused irrationality that you notice in a lot of haters, I was committed, I couldn't give up, because that was inconceivable. If I just kept trying, my resistance would yield.

That's what a lot of FA sceptics cannot get into their heads, so many of us used to have their views on eating and weight. Except I never had their hatred because i never saw myself as a dieter, I saw myself as someone who was pursuing health.

That's why I sniffed out, the don't say diet say healthy lifestyle for the bullshit euphemism that it is.

Let me add to that, it's not just euphemistic, it attempts to hide the fact that you are supposed to build your life around dysfunction. IOW, a diet is what you fit into your life, a healthy lifestyle is living a diet in which you fit life into.

It's purpose is to obscure the failure of calorie counting by slowing it down and making failure harder to spot. It won't work of course, but that's never stopped the weight loss brigade before and it won't now they'll explain it in the usual way, it's your fault/ addiction/ derangement/ madness etc.

So by ignoring my own body, I am responsible for being fatter than I may or may not have been otherwise.

But choice? I can only say that if I felt that choice was so unspeakable, so intolerable, that I had to punish myself for it, in order to be able to state that I tried not, and to be honest with you, I can't wholly rule that out either.

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