Thursday, 20 August 2009

Choosing to be fat

Whenever people mention the perfectly reasonable suggestion that they choose or are choosing to be fat or remain fat, or that fat people should think of ourselves in this light, I feel ticked off.

At the same time, I've had to wonder why that is. It is true that this would mean that slim people choose to be slim, which many of them say they do not, it is effortless and natural to them.

Having said that, the choice could be more that they didn't choose to do things or go down routes that would put pressure on any innate capacity for fatness within them (or not!).

I always was dogged by the feeling that depression was my doing. I saw it as a mismanagement of the way I see myself on a moment by moment basis which equalled states of depression.

Whereas with fat, I took direct steps to avoid becoming not just fat, but to avoid chubbiness before that.

I failed and in the process I became exactly what I tried to prevent. I became greedy in a way that I never was when I became worried that my appetite seemed to be bigger than other children around my age.

This was because the reaction to my neurosis about what I ate and fat prevention lead my body to respond by protecting it's integrity by raising my appetite. I was going to say hunger too, but what it really did what lead my hunger to become more disturbing and upsetting therefore making it more imperative that I ate. It overwhelmed me in fact, this is what is known as compulsive eating disorder.

Although I didn't realise for a long time that this was a) a disorder, I thought it's what you did if you were fat, or becoming fat and b) I didn't realise this was the cause of compulsive eating, until I finally stopped trying to diet. Which I did not out of logic but complete nervous burnout.

Because of this, I've found myself deeply resenting the idea of saying that I choose to be fat.

I want to honour the fact that I really did try beyond the point of reason in fact, to lower my weight.

It's not even that I feel that I'm not implicated or responsible for my weight, I don't object to that idea, I couldn't care less as I know that I've nothing to reproach myself for or at least I've already punished myself enough for being fat in general. I've served my time so to speak.

But still I can't just happily say, 'I choose to be, I'm choosing to be fat' because I know it will be misconstrued.

No comments:

Post a Comment