Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Self-estrangement

Did you catch Seal talking about his split from wife Heidi Klum on the Ellen show? Couldn't begin to care? If so I don't blame you, I'm not far behind. A clip was featured on the news and it passed my eyes so to speak. Even so, he did say a couple of things that caught my attention, something to the effect of  "We just grew apart" and "It was a surprise to us too"!

As you know (fat) people's eating is being pressed into a baggy 'addiction' narrative which excites the ignorant no end. Not content with their endless dimwit preaching, we must also be instructed as to what it feels like to try and make calorie dodging the centre of our existence. Expecting our indulgence of their impertinence to be everlasting.

We are ordered; it is just like smoking or taking drugs etc., as if we have no capacity to perceive our own existence.

It's actually a lot more like Seal and Heidi's situation, except instead of two people it's just you, split in two attacking another part. What "part" would that be? Why the quasi mythical construct of  the "bad" you've been told is causing the disease of you, by the 'obesity' consensus.

Due to it not actually existing, you have been in reality persuaded to attack yourself.

No wonder the 'obesity' crusade thinks it owns you.

Picture the scene; you find yourself staying later and later (for free) at some crappy job you're always looking to move on from. As if at last appreciating some of its heretofore unseen charms. The hopes (kidology) you employed when you took it, have suddenly revived in your imagination melding with reality in a way you never quite managed before.

You catch yourself and think, "What they hey?" Then realise, its because you don't want to go home.

The relationship with a "significant other" or your family-parents, siblings etc., or simply those you share a home with-has become so tense and strained, you can barely endure physical proximity with them.

Any interaction tending to drain you psychologically in seconds. You can never feel comfortable or at peace, always off balance, out of kilter. Except instead of two people, there is just one, you and it is you who are having this relationship breakdown with yourself.

When you realise they're unexpectedly out and you won't have to face them, there's a heady rush from the release of pressure. Whatever time there is before they return, you feel you can breathe again and feel fully alive.

That's something like what it feels like when you forget to attack yourself because you are fat. When you can come to a place of acceptance and try to become whole again. And other apparently well meaning people wish to block that. They wish to keep you locked into estrangement from yourself, because they are just sooo nice.

This my friends is what its like to live cornered by the threat of a lifetime of commitment to "weight management" even your body failing badly (a.k.a; weight loss dieting success) gives little relief, because, maintenance.

This inner environment is always there in your mental field of vision. To be negotiated when you can manage to screw whatever reserves of nervous energy and self delusion you can muster, for yet another campaign of maximum effort for scant if any "reward". And when the dust clears, painful reversal.

There is no relief to be had from pointing the finger at the other person as the baddie, until you just become so sick and tired of being sick and tired in your soul that something says, no more.

In other words, the conventional 'obese' role that has formed and shaped your existence, the one others seek to keep you in, is more like the addiction.

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