Sunday, 19 April 2009

The more I know, the less I know

It is said you accrue wisdom with age, but I'm afraid there's one area where I feel like I may be losing rather than gaining. That's in the things people say to fat people.

After years of taking on board what people said to me and trying in vain to act on it. I've discovered that when you remove the self-loathing, suddenly you're left with what the actual words they are actually saying at you. I’ve discovered to my amazement, that I’m not actually sure how they should be understood or read anymore.

It seems that in my constant highly emotive state, my mind was filling in with a general purpose sensibility of “oh no, I’m bad”, “oh no, I’m still bad” “oh no I’m badder still” “what am I to do, how much harder is it possible to try, than this?”

That's mostly what I really heard, you are bad.

I used to think I understood what 'you have no self-respect' meant, it meant myself neglect, borne through lack of pride in myself, lead to fat. Now I can hear or, there is less in the way of me recognizing an undercurrent some other things like 'your lack of telling me to get lost for my impudence, shows you lack self respect. It’s me for goodness sake!”

Being well brought up and with a desire to please, my response was, "why have I upset these nice people?! They wouldn't be shouting if I wasn't bad, I must redouble my efforts!"

Now as my sore brain starts to soothe and calm itself, other things occur. Your fatness is supposed to say you don't respect yourself. But fat people with self-respect are supposed to be much of the reason behind the obesity crisis. Self respect is supposed to keep you fat. As you become fat, if you have any self respect, you must lose it, in order to give you motivation to re-gain it, because you have such self respect.

If in my state of trying to please I never questioned why people were shouting and carry on at me, yes, I was a little lacking, chicken and egg. If I did, I would have asked myself why on earth the way others were carrying on could possibly have anything to do with me.

If it had occurred; it didn’t.

To think I was taking all this seriously!

No wonder that felt so bad.

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