Friday, 20 August 2010

Mz Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

When I read through some of my comments and my postings, I often sound at least a bit angry. I've struggled with this for a while now, back and forth for most of the years I've been hanging around the 'sphere. Although it may not come across so, this is out of character. At least I say that, but character is a multifarious thing. If the right kind of pressure is applied a sunny personality can easily become a permanent grump, or a whiner or a bitch-take a unisex interpretation of the latter.

This is the first time in my life that I have felt and come across (and seemed even when I'm not at times) this consistently and unimpeachable irked, irritated, ticked off, pissy and sometimes volubly angry to an exten that I actually am fed up with.

It's not that I haven't tried to calm down, and as that hasn't worked usually that means it is tied to something I'm trying to do or want to do, rather than badness. It means I have to choose to keep doing this thing or keep getting pissy. My dithering has been ended by the fact that a) I cannot stand this and b) what I want to do, I no longer can pay the price for.

Fat stigma is hardly the worst kind that's been laid on me. I think this is part of what has caught me by surprise, that and the fact that for so long, I was obedient and doing as I was told. So anger was turned inwards.

There's lots to be irritated about. There's also equally, far less than a whole lot of other things, to the point where not feeling particularly angry regarding FA and stuff, is perfectly plausible too.

It never used to matter to me whether there was something to be angry about as such. I was wary of anger and more what seemed to follow from it bitterness. I wanted to avoid that since witnessing it as a child. I realise now that what I was seeing was the stress of the overburdened. I became adept-I now realise- at re-framing myself away from and out of heavy duty rage, my anger worked for me and was appropriate. My anger made sense to me. This kind doesn't. It feels as if I'm constantly off balance, off centre, off kilter. I'm sure all this has disturbed me a lot more than I could have ever imagined.

Before getting involved in fat acceptance, I'd felt more distanced from things. There was always some points of disagreement that made me uncomfortable signing up for the whole.

It was the not hearing a reflection and my alarm about the way no one was defending fat people against attack and where that could lead that probably made me overcome my natural resistence to getting involved. In my enthusiasm, I decided to overlook or set aside things that I knew or suspected already.

I decided this time I would compromise, be disciplined stick to the group even when I disagreed something I usually wouldn't do. I felt like "I'm just not a joiner". I left it up to others, this time I felt, why should I expect others to do something, to say somethng?

It was in stretching to meet the mindset that tended to dominate that was my undoing. Each of us has an internal centre of gravity which we can stretch from, but as we know with every bit of stretch tensile strength decreases and things start to quiver and vibrate.

That's me, overstretched. I kept on because this is more important than personality and culture clash but now I feel I'm just getting in my own way and the way of useful communique, defeating the object of reaching. I need to recover that centre enabling me to express myself with some kind of fluency and clarity. All flows from there for me, to be able to think and translate my feelings into words because I still have a lot I want to say.

I get that my views are minority, believe it or not, I didn't think they were before! This makes it a priority to make clear expression. So I'm letting go of trying to reach out beyond that which can sustain my ability to say what I have and want to say.

To explore what others think too which is as important and to do that a change of tack is required. Another lesson learned.

I'm hoping Mz G is on her way out, thank goodness.

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