Friday, 24 October 2008


I'm feeling rather semi detached from the 'sphere right now. I'm not sure whether I have a place in it, or whether I'm just raving to myself.

I suppose that's really it, within in the fatosphere. It is created by the people that join in, it has no tribes or demarcations as such. I've taken the view that it doesn't matter about the approval of others, although that's always nice, it's more about just joining in.

But I'm used to being part of something, I'm finding this a far more difficult adjustment than I would ever have thought. It feels unsafe somehow and I think that's because it's about being fat.

I've spent all of my formative years and beyond thinking about it along certain lines. More especially, ignoring and suppressing my thoughts out of existence. Whenever I've tried tentatively to speak about it, I've never been able to get near the things I've wanted to speak of, the things that link within.

Shallow chats (they always seem to break off quickly) about 'there must be more to it than this', have given me a voracious appetite to vent. This has tripped me up and made my thinking scattershot, it's harder to connect than I thought, or at least, I expected that I would be able to connect and it seems that my expectations were too great.

Being or feeling like a lone voice has rarely scared me in the past, now I realise how much work was done by others. How much I've followed in the footsteps of others, or been surrounded by like minds.

It feels like this shouldn't be the hardest part, that should be changing perceptions, but it seems like everything's hard. And yet, somehow I feel like it shouldn't be because it's not earth shattering stuff is it? Expressing your point of view, from your own experience.

It's trying to find a path, I know what I want to say, but I'm not sure I have the courage to say it. I feel like I do, but then I feel like I need to balance it, which ends with pulling my punches.

For such a long time now, I've yearned to find others that can understand what I've been trying to speak of, to give voice to what has been so hard to say, surrounded by the din of others.

It's a surprise to find how hard that is, and yet not quite in the ways I expected.

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