Monday, 5 October 2009

Obesus neurosus

Well there has to be a name for it. For all the baggage you carry when you buy into fat being a bad state all round. It's a performance and somewhat creative too. It deals in the placebo/nocebo nexus. Your body and to some extent self being the nocebo- that is the (usually 'inert') substance you believe is doing you harm. So its possibility of harm comes from that belief, not the substance itself.

The there's the trying to catch yourself having "fat thoughts" the thinking that you're supposedly doing-but aren't-that supposed to be making/keeping you fat. A lifetime of this can make you mistrustful and somewhat dismissive of believing your own thoughts and emotions.

A state of the kind of discomfort many say leads to 'comfort eating.' Though that's supposed to pre-date your state.

Having to deny/discount what you're doing. And their results, even moreso, is dispiriting, it has to be your failure. Hence the liberation of realizing/admitting to yourself that it isn't. This is not about hurt feelings. It's about being able to acknowledge what keeps happening. Not being able to is humiliating, and a betrayal of yourself. Deepening that mistrust I mentioned.

Self dismissal too. The not taking yourself seriously. Not a cute self deprecating charm, but an eviscerating self contempt combined with finding yourself wholly unconvincing as a person in their own right.

You can end up feeling through more legitimate people. That is, feelings are only feelings, when they've been described by those accorded bona fide emotions.

The physical self dislocation, then sense of disowning your own body. It's not here to stay, it's going right, once I do a, b, c. Not looking at it. Not thinking about touching it. Not wanting to be it.

All this from smashing yourself down, in order to do something that invokes intense feelings of aversion, which you name as your sin bubbling up trying to keep its grip on you, in order to continue not accepting what you are doing, what was the result......

Who'd have thought tiny little behaviours such as this would have so little effect. 

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