Self respect whilst fat

In the past, I've accused people of having no self respect. That was not always correct it was no self respect whilst fat; being it or thinking about (being) it, either of those switch it off to varying degrees, in some the difference is dramatic.

From proud to abject cringing in a second.

I noticed in pre FA days that no matter the level of personal esteem, it plummeted to the general hating levels everyone shared. I always yearned to hear someone break that ubiquity because some of us like to see the underdog come through, out of curiosity if nothing else.

It actually ticked me off that fatness never got a fair shake never got to be real, to be truth. In my case it was different though, I really was greedy and lazy. But other people weren't-I knew that-I could see it with my own eyes and I was sad that no-one could seem to even slightly defend that. I yearned and longed for someone to just refuse to go along.

When things changed and I got off the self/fat hating route this desire turned into determination. Now I would have to try and get as close to that as I could. But it felt so far away, not because of it, but because of me and how I felt about myself.

To hear someone able with a reliable ease and absence of defensiveness talk about fatness, honestly without any of the fake baggage loaded on it, would be sublime. That's the thing, its not about what I or fat people want to hear, it's about honesty.

To get away from the whole of the discourse on fatness and the folks normally so arrogant about themselves who insist on the luxury of fat hating creating two forces that can't meld. So, they project that fat loathing and low standard on to you.

Yes, they expect you to support their hating, whilst they continue a hate they are neither paying for fully, personally or socially as it is fat people on the margins who will pay.

The fake honesty of "I am an obese I'm so ashamed" is as dead as dust. Increasingly meaningless devoid by repetition of nuance and feel. People insist it is there story they take it seriously and seem to see it as a duty to form their experience around that trying to inhabit it. That often shows it up even more. It just feels like a brain deadening assault on us all. Sad that it has come to this.

I thought I might find this lack of apology in the 'sphere and although I think we do incredibly well and are often inspiringly bravura. I'm not sure anyone's really completely there its trickier than I thought it would be.

I know we will get there, but its the anticipation! The how that keeps turning around in my mind.