Thursday, 21 October 2010

'Censor' thoughtlessness

I seem to be missing something here and here because although days of this and weeks of that don't tend to interest me much. I'm a bit mystified about a couple of the arguments against it, namely that giving the same courtesy you receive is censoring you.

But more to the point, the idea that the only way to censor is to stop the great god of talk, rather than the fact that what is spoken about and how, itself can censor. The way this has been used to erase the way fat people have been censored by double standards in a sea of fat hate, with thinness receiving-on the whole-a more positive attitude, is being overlooked.

I interpret the clumsily entitled 'fat talk' to refers to using fatness superstitiously as a toilet to police yourself into -you hope-remaining thin, or to punish yourself for doing something that is associated with becoming fat. Presumably calling it 'no fat hate talk' would have been a little too challenging/ uncommercial.

Fat hating has extended to more than just policing yourself in general to some kind of moral slap down to punish yourself for doing something you consider violates you moral code. It's like, "I did something I really dislike, how can I really hurt myself? I know, I'll say I'm fat."

No wonder people are full of this nonsense about how they'd rather lose an arm etc., than be fat, there is a distinct element of bluff there no doubt.

So this 'fat talk free week' as far as I can tell, is supposed to stop that and see if you can find some other policing techniques and hopefully other ways to keep yourself in line to the extent you deem necessary.

Calling that censorship may not be wholly incorrect, but it does stretch the term to the edge of its meaning and seems to go against the spirit of it. The general use of fatness as a dumping ground for society's unprocessed cultural waste matter -which is created like pollution by some of the toxic processes of societies- is hugely invasive and censoring to fat people.

Not only does it censor our thoughts and feelings, it curtails our connection to, rapport with and trust in ourselves ditto and often affects our mentality and intellect. I'm thinking things and in ways that feel unfamiliar due to the retreating fat hate that has been shaping my mind since childhood, since offloading some of this.

I feel different emotionally, that has (and still is) a challenge, but I feel like more of a person now than I did in my worst days. I didn't appreciate quite how much until the unravelling of my mental habits got to a certain point. It was like an internal mist clearing and leaving a feeling of being human, rather than as a somewhat flickering abstraction.

All this and more has been and is continuing to be an education, even the way I see myself and others. I was never really hateful or jealous of other women's looks, so changes there have been all the more of a surprise.
People seemed uglier to me before and less individual, I just didn't notice because everything was uglier and I felt the epitome ugliness myself, even though objectively I knew that wasn't true. Overlapping with flattened moods this robbed me of the colour of things. I still recall a while back suddenly noticing something blue. I was rooted to the spot, stunned at the blueness of this blue. I was enthralled, it moved me so deeply and I stood there locked in a cycle of intense feeling.

It didn't last, but was about sensual recovery and now I find I appreciate colour and art more than I could before. This is a side effect and is to some degree about my individual moods and states, but it tips a hat to just how much a central and constant sense of self loathing can draw life out of your world.

Verbalised fat hate, if you will isn't just about what is referred by as 'body policing'(?), it's about thought policing because that's all people really have to make you receptive to your second class social status. Being policed into second class expectations in everything except, responsibility, accountability, culpability and punishment, can make you resentful and disconnected from the standard of others.

Those fighting for their rights can sometimes seem ludicrously disproportionate, viewed through the prism of your seperation from the general human standard of people who's personal self esteem is less interrupted.

That might seem to some to take it way too far, but it's true and I did not realise it myself before divesting myself of fat loathing gave me a perspective on the struggles of others, they made more sense to me. I could perceive things I know I couldn't before. It's one of the reasons I've come to withdraw any sense of deference toward low self esteem, it's not that I'm not sympathetic, it's just that it can make one selfish, even if that isn't your nature.

There can be a loneliness and a permanent sense of inner isolation to being fat that there isn't for other things, unless you are actually isolated. With being fat, I didn't realise that you carry that sensibility around with you everywhere, even when amongst other fat people, it can go so deep.

I think this is part of a disappointment about the 'sphere in the sense that it remains and this makes it fall short of the expectation that togetherness will remove it. When it doesn't, predictably enough we blame each other we must be denying it to each other, withholding its removal out of spite. Fatties are to blame for everything lives in us too.

The surprise of this is in its power, but it shouldn't, its the effect of the: "Being fat is 100% your fault fatty, full stop" line. Clearly this is why the mind seeks to share blame in anything as a default setting, this overweening sense of aloneness is a disempowering state. Even if blame was apt-it isn't- we are often to "blame" in at least some way but virtually never 100%. When you add how powerless this sense of isolation can make you feel, plus being got at from all sides with defences down. You can understand why some feel 'marginalized' by us breaking our silence.

They were assured we were weak pathetic and stupid, yet we have endured, that dissonance will sting as much as your brain fastened on to that expectation.

That profound sense of isolation that doesn't go away either as long as the imprint of blame and shame has any hold, which is itself the reverberation of endless repetition.

So to present having your bluff called about whether you want to keep 'hating your bod'-when you no longer have the shield of fatness to be at once remove from this-as having your precious thoughts curtailed is a tad rich. It's not like you don't have options, if you desperately want to keep shaming.

Why not try hating your own actual body? If you are fat, fat hate, if you are plump, plump hate, if you are thin, thin hate. Ergo, if you are thin "I hate myself I'm so thin". If an inbetweenie "The other day I thought my body was just so mediocre and it made me want to scream gaahhh!" And if fat you can point at your fat thighs and say "I hate my fat thighs" you'll be at least 50% real.

So no-one need suffer for want of being deprived of the self expression of body/self hate. This way you can directly enter your own firing line-where fat people have been-and therefore be at least morally accountable for what you say and think.

Erasing people's humanity creates far more profound and multifarious censorships than returning courtesies you expect. I've no desire to censor people's fat hating, that is a matter for them and their own conscience, however, they must be held fully accountable for what they are saying, if they wish to carry on after being told what it means to others.

And if they are doing to others what they would hate having done to them (and vice versa) they will feel bad and guilty because that's what you feel when you fall short of the standards you set for yourself as well as (others) and keep doing it knowing its not good. Those who question or defy the basis of your (ab)use of their bodies, cannot own that for you, its yours.

I don't need to treat fat hate (ab)users as if they are afflicted children, having been treated that way myself I cannot easily afflict that on anyone else.

Just give what you receive and stop making such a big fat deal of it.

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