Friday, 17 July 2009

Really, anger is overrated

I've found it hard to be overly impressed by a permanently angry pose. I don't mean in reaction to outrage or insult but as a statement of integrity or honour. Whenever I hear someone try to lay it down and say, "Right, I'm so angry" as throwing down a gauntlet. That's supposed to increase the gravitas or veracity of their complaint.

When mostly, I wish they'd just make their case and let others be the judge.

There's people with their beliefs that they are relieved of in 10 seconds flat; they're disgusted by the death penalty and fat people shouldn't be treated when they are ill. Suicide is a terrible tragedy, fat people are committing suicide with their forks, how disgusting of them etc.,

More than once I've asked myself, "who are you people and what do you actually believe?"

I'm aware of the way the most powerful/intelligent members of our tribe, tell the rest what to think and we kind of come to accept or absorb it in our own ways. Almost like a transmission of their force of personality.

This goes from requiring courage, having more intrepid than average people advance them then because of that, becoming de rigeur, widely disseminated to those who wouldn't necessarily have had the guts to advance it against major opposition. Like say, feminism. In certain climes it doesn't require a jot of courage, in spite of the scent of that kind of nostalgic memory. 

But hey, why should I go there? It's in the nature of man, folk do believe stuff don't they? I rather took it for granted. Now, I feel I've had a look at just how many people claim to believe stuff they don't fully understand. I thought it was just me who wasn't getting some of  the things we're supposed to think.

Even when there are glaring gainsays of their beliefs coming out of their own minds or mouths, they don't notice. Even after quite a lot of prompting.

I feel I'm still behaving too much as if I need to persuade others in order to accept what I already know to be true.

I've touched on this before. I know that it can take a while to process suppressed emotional history. I'm used to imploring people to believe in me for various reasons.

When especially as a child you've taken on and unquestioningly accepted that your fatness is bad and a temporary state that must be exited as soon as possible. You are as they say, doing a deal with the devil as they say;
According to traditional Christian belief in witchcraft, the pact is between a person and Satan or any other demon (or demons); the person offers his or her soul in exchange for diabolical favors.
[My emphasis.]

Yeah, except you get stiffed on the favours part, you just get the diabolical. By accepting the proposition fatness is badness, you are excepting your body therefore yourself is bad. Even though you still know and feel like a good person underneath, it means becoming outer orientated to a degree that isn't in accord with rational existence.

I'm beginning to realise that I've never really felt such an internal sense of doubt over other aspects of my identity and about my own experience. Never have I required or surrendered to such a requirement of complete validation from outside. Recognition of what you know is different from seeking recreate that which has been made almost invisible by constant and forceful denial, as much from within as without.

The dynamic regarding fatness is totally different to other questions of equality. It's one I've never encountered before, and no, it's not deep oppression it's something else.....more like an atmosphere of profound collusion.

So much so that there's a feeling self rescue lies in persuading those we are colluding with to turn away from this course, so that we can. Denying how much our own actions may or may not have contributed, outside the usual, eat too much do to little. Which I view as a substute for honesty and a way of placating others and oneself's internalized view of fatness.

When the subject comes to fatness that familiar faraway-lights on nobody home-look comes into the eye of whoever we are engaged with it. They're no longer talking to us, but to a sketchy idea of a universal fattie and we've lost them.

We wish to unify our experience again, we are not talking about disenfranchisement or even partial reinstatement of social standing. It's more like we are trying to assert that we've kept our end of it, the fact that it didn't work is not our fault, but we want what would have been our reward, if it had  acceptance.

There is little to no doubt that if we had been belligerent and less amenable to complying with ever order, we wouldn't be in this position now. We would not have made ourselves into such a target. If we had behaved in the very ways every one so complains about as bringing about the end of civilisation; self assertion, suspicion of authority, frankly, sheer indolence and a greater respect for our own pain and discomfort might have done better by us too.

And what's strange too is our old strategies are also our exit ones, acquiescence, compliance and dutiful openness to endless questioning and querying of the abundantly obvious.

The ideology of the 'sphere is undoubtedly not helping that at all, and it's time for me to completely accept that it is not compatible with my ability to productively engage with my feelings. It is getting in my way, as much as other things.

It all feels like a family quarrel-between haters and FA- that doesn't include anyone that isn't in the family, so to speak. That's why I have to go in a new direction and do what I've intended to do all along. It's just once I committed myself to getting involved, with others and trying to discipline myself to not go off on my own tangent.

I've done my best and am prepared to call that a fail. Once I get mentally re-orientated, I hope I shall be able to do better and recover from my now all too tedious anger.

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